The Hitchhiker’s Guide to India

Because sometimes, Wikipedia just isn’t enough…

DisclaimerAll characters and events described in this post… even those based on real people… are entirely fictional. This post also contains badly written sarcasm and dry humour, and due to its content it should not be taken seriously by anyone. (Oh my god, you killed Kenny!)

Aadhar – Possibly India’s biggest black hole. The incumbent UPA government has spent an estimated 38 billion rupees on the project but the BJP national general secretary Ananth Kumar has stated that the project will be scrapped if the NDA is voted into power in the ongoing general elections. What a waste of money! But India is not alone in this respect. To quote Bill Bryson, on the Superconducting Supercollider from his book, A Short History of Nearly Everything: ‘In perhaps the finest example in history of pouring money into a hole in the ground, (US) Congress spent $2 billion on the project, then cancelled it in 1993 after 22 kilometers of tunnel had been dug. So Texas now boasts of the most expensive hole in the universe.‘ Now that’s literally pouring money into a black hole!

Alphonso Mangoes – What India sells to the US in exchange for Harley-Davidson’s. Who’s the Fat Boy now, huh?

Arnab Goswami – The lone crusader in this country against corruption. Has been given the moniker, ‘Supreme Court‘. Since he’s the guardian of the Indian constitution.

Arvind Kejriwal – Youth icon. Brought Nehru caps back into fashion. And has somehow got everyone talking about 69. Or maybe it was 49? He got himself inked during a recent election campaign, probably to gain the support of the urban youth. The press hasn’t been able to get a proper snap of the tattoo yet, though.

Bata – Every Indian’s favourite ‘indigenous’ footwear brand. Too bad that it’s an MNC headquartered in Switzerland.

Breaking News – The name by which stale news is sold in India. Just like rotten fish in markets is always sold as ‘fresh fish’.

Cricket – Insect belonging to the family, Grillidae. Virulent pest. Causes the loss of thousands of man-hours across the country. Particularly nasty swarms have been observed to attack every four years. Scientists are still perplexed. Laymen have made a religion out of it.

Curry – What Indians eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Known to cause Delhi Belly among foreigners.

Indian National Congress – Political party turned organized crime syndicate. Specializes in large-scale financial scams. Headed by Indo-Italian mafiosi.

Left – The direction in which all political parties turn to, when they’re short of a majority in Parliament.

Mulayam Singh Yadav – India’s greatest satirist. Nobody in the country seems to realize the satire behind his recent comments on rape incidents. Genius is often misunderstood. Bleh.

Narendra Modi – Political leader. Apparently a Faecist or some sort of shit like that. Hailed as the next Hitler by many. Even has his own version of the SS: the RSS.

Olay – Makes you seven years younger, apparently. I wouldn’t touch the thing myself. It’d make me twelve again. What if puberty isn’t as kind the second time around? (Parental Advisory: Keep out of the reach of young children. Unless of course, you want to get rid of them.)

Pakistan – India’s estranged sibling. Separated shortly after birth. Sibling rivalry is pretty intense. Pakistan is also proof that grass is literally greener on the other side.

Politicians – People who can choose not to answer uncomfortable questions on national TV by saying, ‘I thought I was going to be interviewed, not interrogated.’ They have been unanimously barred from participating on Kaun Banega Crorepati because they have an unfair advantage in the Fastest Finger First round. They’re so used to pointing fingers at other people, you see.

Rajesh Koothrapalli – Stereotypical Indian guy. Smart, shy, weird. Can’t talk to women unless drunk yet married to a former Miss India. The power of arranged marriages never fails to astound me!

Raj Thackeray – Maharashtrian separatist leader. Pushing for nationhood of Maharashtra. Halfway there. Residents of UP and Bihar already need visas and work permits to enter Maharashtra.

Rakhi Sawant – Indian traditional culture revivalist. She is said to be in favor of doing away with matrimonial websites and newspaper classifieds, and returning to traditional Indian swayamwars. (Swayamwar, in ancient India, was a practice of choosing a husband, from among a list of suitors, by a girl of marriageable age.) Even did a reality to promote the same called Rakhi ka Swayamwar. Recently rumours have been going around that she has been approached by the BJP, following her announcement as an independent candidate in the upcoming Lok Sabha election. ‘Rakhi is the very embodiment of traditional Indian culture and would be a huge asset to our national committee,’ according to a BJP worker, who prefers to stay anonymous.

RTI Act – What made the Congress realize that Shakespeare is still relevant: ‘……which, being taught, return to plague th’ inventor: this even-handed justice commends the ingredients of our poisoned chalice to our own lips.’ If it wasn’t for the RTI Act, none of the UPA’s scams would have come out. Oh, the irony…

Third Front – Third wheel in the love-hate relationship between the Congress and the BJP.

Western Culture – The source of all of India’s problems. It just is. Now don’t argue, or the Sri Ram Sene will come and beat you up.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.